We Usually Hesitate the Most In Asking

We Usually Hesitate the Most

When It Might Be Bad News
It's usually when we assume the worst that we don't want to check it out. We're simply afraid of what the answer might be. If I arrive home from work and my wife has a scowl on her face, it's easy to assume that she's mad at me.

And though I could start walking around on tiptoes, thinking I've done something wrong and anticipating a blowup, imagine how much better it would be for our relationship if I simply said,
"You don't look happy. What's going on?" The moment you begin to check it out, two things happen.
First, you find out the real facts.
Did you really do something wrong or did she just get a nasty phone call from her sister that you don't know about?
Second, you have the option to do something about it to help her shift her mood if you know what is really going on.

This goes the same for things that might improve your quality of life. Perhaps you assume there's no way to get a ticket to the rock concert at this late date or that you'll never be accepted into that arts program or that you can't afford that antique buffet that would look great in the dining room.

It's so much simpler just to ask. Check it out, using phrases such as
"I'm wondering if" and
"Would it be okay if" and
"Are you feeling" and
"Is there a possibility of getting" and
"What do I have to do in order to" and
"What would have to happen for you to be able to" and so on.

Do You Mean?
Another way to check out assumptions is to use a technique I teach in my couples training sessions that can help improve communication in your relationships. I call it the "Do You Mean" technique.

Let's say that my wife asks me to help her clean out the garage on Saturday. "No," I say.
Now, my wife could instantly assume, Jack's mad at me. He doesn't care about my needs. He doesn't care that my car no longer fits in the garage, and so on. But with the "Do You Mean" technique, she assumes nothing but asks what I'm really thinking instead.

"Jack, do you mean that you're not ever going to help me with this task, that you want me to do it all myself?"
"No, I don't mean that."

"Do you mean that you would rather be doing something else?"
"No, I don't mean that either."

"Do you mean that you're busy Saturday and you have something else planned that I don't know about?"
"Yes, that's exactly what I mean. I'm sorry I hadn't told you yet. It slipped my mind."

Sometimes, people don't immediately tell the reasons behind their answers. They just say no, with no explanation for their position. Men are more likely to respond like this. Whereas women will often give you all kinds of reasons why their answer is no, men more often will just give you the bottom line, not the details. Asking "Do you mean?" will get you a lot more clarity, so that you aren't left wondering what is really going on.